I have no idea why I am posting this

Maybe it's crazy not to have a structured and predictable life. Not having a fixed home that you can come back to at any time, to ground yourself. Just moving from place to place, country to country, visa to visa, hostel to hostel. Never knowing what the next few days will bring. Never knowing what date or what day of the week it is. Constantly meeting new people and yet being alone. Maybe it's crazy.

Maybe it's absolutely insane to have a structured and predictable life. To have a fixed home that you can always return to. Always being in the same place, going to the same supermarket, working out in the same gym, going to the same place of work, seeing the same faces, having the same conversations, having the same thoughts. Always having people around you and yet being alone. Maybe it's crazy.

What are the values we strive for and do we even have any? Perhaps values are just identifications with the external, verbal world. What do values even mean and how do I know that the value I believed in yesterday still corresponds to my truth today? Why am I even writing this?

So you're sitting in a café in the middle of nowhere, at 30 degrees on December 21st, asking yourself: what am I actually doing here?

What am I doing? I'm fulfilling the dream I've had for years. To travel. To be free. No obligations. Getting up in the morning and doing what I want, far away from the place many would call "home". I'm still not sure if I believe in home. Anyways, now I'm sitting here, "living my dream" and only realizing what that means. As always when a manifestation becomes reality and we realize: these are probably the consequences of my actions. My decisions and tiny steps on my path that have added up to this moment. How many times have I sat in some smelly office in Germany, waiting until it's 5pm to go home or to the gym? How many times during this waiting time called work did I google how to travel, how to be independent, what backpacking is and how people do it. I was convinced that it was almost impossible to lead such a life. Only the rich and famous, influencers and people who have everything can do it. I don't even know who that is. And I don't know exactly how I ended up doing it either. I think it's the sum of many small things, steps, realizations and changes of perspective.

Sometimes I might feel lost and alone and write funny texts. More often I feel grateful and blessed with life, nature and incredibly great people. Every now and then I ask myself what I'm doing here all day. Letting myself drift. Doing what I feel like doing. Do I actually deserve this and what is my purpose? I need a purpose in life and then I have to work with it? I do need one right? Isn’t that what all the podcasts and books say? What Maslow said? But how do I know when I'll find it and how? Traveling helps me. The last two months may not have been as adventurous and crazy as my time in South Africa, for example. But a lot has happened. I think I'm almost 30 and I'm getting to know myself. But not the different roles you play or should play in a society like the one I grew up in; the good daughter, the sociable student, the sincere friend, the diligent student, the hard-working employee, the intelligent adult, the beautiful young woman. Fuck this. It's enough to just be. Without an adjective. I am. Now. that's enough. I think I know myself much less than I thought (but also feel like now I know myself better than in other steps of my life before) and then I ask myself: who really knows themselves?

But when you travel around aimlessly like that, you spend a lot of time with yourself. The environment is always different, the people you travel with come and go, the cultures are fundamentally different, the landscapes give us moments of awe.

Our own limits are becoming apparent. Is my traveling really aimless? Or is my goal to experience all this, to see the world, to feel people, to understand why we are all here and to walk our paths. Finding the path. Can I even decide which turn I take and is it all automated and conditioned? I know there are a lot of questions, but if you don't ask any questions, you won't get any answers.

At the end of the day, I know (and I say this often, but it's important) that I am privileged to do what I do. I am grateful for these fundamental moments and decisions that this path confronts me with. Who knows where it will end. Maybe in a café in Bali, which I have written so many times in my manifestation journal. Maybe on a raspberry farm in Australia. Maybe in my parents' house in Germany. Maybe in my apartment in Barcelona. Maybe it's crazy.